The journey to discovering your truth within the hierarchy can be difficult on your own, but it is even more complicated when you are already in a relationship.
“This above all: to thine own self be true
And it must follow, as the night the day
Thou canst not then be false to any man
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”
– William Shakespeare, Hamlet
Here at Elysium, we like to promote the notion of “living your truth”, but when that truth might hurt someone you are in a relationship with, how do you do that? Inevitably, some will decide that “ignorance is bliss” and explore on their own in secret. We are not here to condone or condemn that behavior, but to offer insight into its complexities. We offer this ideal guide for exploring your role in the hierarchy in the most ethical of ways.
The First Question: Is the juice worth the squeeze?
If you are in a committed relationship, it is either an open or closed relationship.
If it is an open relationship, then you can skip down to the fifth question.
If it is closed, however, you first need to ask yourself if this is something you need to act upon, or if it is something you are fulfilled with in fantasy alone.
If you need to explore your role through real-life encounters, then you must consider discussing this with your partner. Without their consent, what you do is explicit cheating, and while cheating occurs in many relationships, the deception that comes with it is often not fair to your partner. Unless they agree to you exploring these aspects of your hierarchical role, it is unethical to not get consent from them, even if they are okay with implicit cheating and have a “So long as I don’t find out”-mentality.
You have to ask yourself if it is worth exploring, and if the ramifications on your relationship with your partner are worth it. Will this end the relationship? Are there children involved who would be harmed by your actions if you separated from your partner? Can you continue to live a happy life without exploring this part of yourself? Basically, is the juice worth the squeeze?
The Second Question: How do I tell them?
If you choose a path that requires you to tell your partner, find a time and place where they will be most receptive to the truth you need to share.
In male/female relationships, this can be a very delicate subject to broach, especially if your wife/girlfriend was not aware of your attraction to men. Start by gauging their comfort level. Ask, “If we had a threesome, would you want it to be with another female or a male?”
If she shoots you down fully, perhaps she is not receptive to any sexual exploration on either of your parts.
If she says a woman, engage with her on her comfort level with bisexuality. Use that as a doorway to introduce your bisexuality.
If she says a man, ask her how she would feel seeing you with another man doing things sexually with each other. This is another way to introduce your bisexuality.
The key to remember here is that you need to make her feel like this is an extension of yourself, and not a deficiency on her part. If you liked eating sushi, but she was allergic to fish, would she have a problem with you going out with a friend to a Japanese sushi bar?
Male/male relationships seem to be more open to non-hetero-normative and puritanical definitions of coupling. This doesn’t mean that it will be any easier. The first reaction many men have, due to ego, is the feeling that they are not adequate enough for you, or that they are failing you in some aspect of your relationship.
Even before bringing up the subject of exploration, reassure your partner that what you have together is special, and that your desire to explore is not a reflection of inadequacies on their part.
Once they are receptive and in a comfortable place to truly listen, be honest with what you are looking for. This is why it’s crucial that you do the introspective work ahead of time to know what it is exactly you are looking to gain from someone else.
It is very possible that your partner is open to exploring that side with you. If you are a sub, your partner might have latent Dom desires that you can both explore together. If this is the case, you can strengthen your relationship together.
It is also possible that they share the same desires as you, but have been hesitant to share them for fear of shame or rejection, just like you had felt.
Regardless of your partner’s gender, the important thing is to introduce this information gradually and at a pace that they are comfortable with. Remind them that this is not due to a failure on their part, and that you still hold the love and respect for the relationship no matter what their decision is. You have to be prepared for them to not feel comfortable with this and that if this is something you absolutely must explore, that it may end your relationship with them. Again, is the juice worth the squeeze?
The Third Question: What happens next?
Assuming your partner is receptive to the idea, you are in for A LOT of long conversations. Here are some things you need to discuss with each other:
– What are your limits with your “other”? Is kissing allowed? Swallowing cum? Is sex allowed, and if so, rubber or raw? It is crucial that you establish boundaries with your “other(s)”. If you have doubts, it is better to be restrictive than unrestrictive, as it is easier to lessen up on limits than it is to enforce ones after the fact.
– How much does your partner want to know / not know about? We will discuss this aspect in The Fifth Question.
– How will you avoid emotional entanglements that might cause complications in your dynamic? Your exploration needs to be compartmentalized to preserve the emotional and romantic sanctity of your relationship with your partner. If you are looking at having a fully realized and complete relationship with someone else, then you should first reevaluate if staying in your current relationship is right for you at all.
– How often will you be exploring your role in the hierarchy? Do not hide that you are in a committed relationship from your “other”, as this will lead to you over-promising and under-delivering. Likewise, your exploration should never take you away from your duties and responsibilities in your primary relationship. If your “other” does not respect these limitations, then you need to find another “other”.
– How will you balance your kink needs vs. the needs of the relationship? Remember that your partner is justified in having expectations of you in the context of the relationship. Again, if you feel that your exploration takes precedent over the needs of your partner, then you need to reevaluate if you should stay in that relationship at all.
– What are the logistics? Will you host, travel, etc.? Most partners will not feel comfortable with sharing their home with strangers so you can explore your kinks. Be prepared to provide alternatives for your explorations.
Do not demand or expect answers right away, and even if they are given during the initial discussion, let your partner have some time to let their answers sit in their minds. It is better to have an honest answer than an answer that you like which they gave because it’s what they thought you wanted to hear.
The Fourth Question: How can I serve / be served?
Before you commit to serve, you need to make sure that the above questions have all be asked, discussed, and answered in full. If there is anything left unresolved, you will be distracted in your sessions with your “other”. This is not fair to them or to yourself, as the distractions will lesson the quality of the session.
You should be free (mentally, emotionally, sexually) to commit to your service or reception of service. Do not dwell on guilt, but focus on the transaction of pleasure only.
The Fifth Question: To share or not to share?
So when it is all over, and you come home to your partner, then what happens? Make sure you have discussed with your partner what THEY want to hear about. Do not come rushing home to boast about the amazing blowjob you just received or that you just got fucked like no one had ever fucked you before. Be sensitive to their comfort levels and disclose ONLY what you agreed to disclose.
If they have questions, always frame it in context of your exploration, and never in terms of quality. Remember, this is something that your partner is unable to provide to you on a fundamental level, and as such, there is no need to make them feel inadequate.
A good approach is to tell your partner that you had a session and to tell them that all of your rules and mutually agreed upon limits were respected by all parties. Speak to them the way you would want to be spoken to if you were them and felt the way they feel about things.
Case Study: Chris and Brian
I met “Chris” on Grindr. He told me that he had a boyfriend and that they had decided to have an open relationship after being together for two years. He had no interest in leaving his boyfriend, but had submissive urges that his boyfriend, “Brian”, could not fulfill. due to a sort of Madonna Complex, preventing Brian from feeling comfortable with being a Dom to Chris.
I gave Chris a list of questions he would need to discuss with Brian (see above) and wanted to make sure they had fully thought things through before I accepted his service. After they had discussed the questions, and I had talked to them both over the phone, I agreed to let Chris come and service me. He’s an amazing chef and cooks for me every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. As I’m eating, Chris is usually under the table, my cock in his mouth. After we eat, depending on my mood, we usually fuck before I send him back home to Brian.
Chris always comes to my place, as he and Brian view their apartment as their “couples space”. This allows them to separate the relationship versus the service in a very healthy way.
After a few weeks, it seemed that Brian became more curious about Chris’s service to me, and Chris began to share more about my Alpha/fag dynamic with Brian. One Friday, Brian asked if he could accompany Chris to observe the dynamic, as he was beginning to feel like Chris was spending a large portion of his free time in the evenings with me. I had no problem with this, and over the course of the night, Brian saw how Chris was able to be submissive to me in a way he never was with Brian, not that Brian ever wanted him to be that way with him at all. The observation also seemed to awaken latent submissive tendencies within Brian to the point where no I use them both almost every Friday night.
They have told me that they talk about me in a healthy way to “check in” with each other. It has also gotten to a point where me using them both is less about me, and more about them bonding in a form of submissive shared connection. This is not to say that the service is mis-focused, but that it has brought them together in a way where they can both still share the love for each other while also partaking a pleasurable shared experience.
There was concern that this form of a dynamic could lead to feelings of jealousy or envy, but that was not the case and is a subject for another time.
So in conclusion…
Is it possible to have your cake and eat it to? Yes, but not always. In the most ideal of circumstances, following this guide can lead to you being able to maintain your relationship with your partner while also exploring your role in the hierarchy.
Do you have any experience in open relationships or in serving/being served by someone other than your partner?
Comment below and let us know what you did to achieve a successful balance in your relationships.
Elysium Lifestyle 