-Kaleb

Total Power Exchange, or TPE, is a form of Domination and submission in which the Dom and sub agree to continue their play outside the boundaries of the bedroom, playroom, or dungeon. While it can require a lot of time, energy, and effort, TPE can be an incredibly fulfilling form of D/s for both parties. A Dom receives ongoing service and subservience, often customized to his preferences and standards. A sub receives guidance, direction, and continuing opportunities to please an appreciative and supportive audience. TPE can involve directly sexual commands – extensions of bedroom play – but just as often does not. In fact, TPE can often mimic more traditional relationships – getting your partner coffee in bed each day, for example – but the difference lies in the heightening of meaning, the division and assigning of roles and behaviors, and the eroticization of these actions. The goal of TPE is the mutual enjoyment of both parties and the fulfillment of their opposite but complementary needs to dominate and submit.

Examples of TPE activities include: regular domestic chores, scheduled availability for sexual play, assigned changes in behavior or speech, a monitored fitness regimen or diet, instructions for masturbation or chastity, enforced dress codes, set administrative or study tasks, control of living situation or spending habits, or any other activity the Dom and sub can think of and agree upon. TPE can start as simply as a sub agreeing to always address the Dom as “Sir,” and can progress to such advanced levels as the Dom’s daily control of a sub’s schedule, employment, and finances. The “Total” in TPE is at the far end of a broad spectrum of play options, with the final endpoint being all decisions in the relationship assigned to the Dom and all compliance carried out by the sub.

Some TPE enthusiasts use the terms “Master/slave” or “consensual slavery” for this type of play, but other terminology is also valid. Indeed, working through the details of customized expectations for the relationship is one of the enjoyable activities in TPE, and some TPE kinksters codify these expectations into written contracts. While these contracts cannot be legally binding under the law in most countries, the imbuing of meaning into a contract by the Dom and sub, along with the promise to fulfill it, can help to advance the degree of power exchange.

To what degree a Dom and sub wish to explore TPE depends, of course, on their own interests and inclinations. There’s no wrong level of TPE, from casual to serious, part-time to full-time, although there can be a wrong implementation of it. Of the various kinds of BDSM, TPE is perhaps the most susceptible to the peril of abuse, as it broadens the normal range of consent that the parties will go along with. A sub who allows a Dom to control his finances can become financially trapped, find his money stolen, or even be the subject of blackmail or extortion. A Dom who does not set sufficient boundaries for his sub or who wields his power irresponsibly may be liable – even criminally liable – for physical, emotional, or social injury to the sub, or may find themselves the object of a codependent relationship or stalking. Care should always be taken in evaluating potential partners for TPE, and a degree of trust must be built before the TPE advances too far.

Care should also always be taken for providing exit routes, even in the deepest forms of TPE. For example, even if a sub commits control of his finances to a Dom, the Dom should place some of the money into an account which only the sub may access. Conversely, a sub should beware a Dom who refuses to do this or other precautions for the sub’s welfare outside of the relationship. While “no way out” TPE may seem thrilling – a chastity cage welded permanently shut, getting rid of all clothing besides fetishwear, or having no money of one’s own – it should never be the reality. Isolation is a tactic to be especially wary of. A Dom should never,ever cut off a sub from family, friends, and acquaintances. A sub should never require a Dom to give up casual friendships or relations. Individuals who request such things are misguided at best, and more likely are simply abusers not to be trusted.

But TPE does not have to be so serious as all that, especially to start. In fact, it is usually better to take it slowly. TPE involves changes to a person’s life, and thus can involve changes in daily habits and routine. This can be an uncomfortable transition. It can be easy to get overwhelmed by or turned off to TPE if one jumps into it headfirst. An example of a simple start to TPE is having the sub send a daily good morning text to the Dom. This helps not only by having a small obligation each day, but also by starting daily conversations that can help deepen the relationship. Additional elements can be added as the comfort level between parties grows, though again even new steps may find better success in going slowly. For example, instead of the Dom assigning the sub’s daily wardrobe right off the bat, the sub could be instructed to select two shirts and allow the Dom to choose between them. This allows the sub to maintain some control over the rest of his wardrobe, as well as preventing the Dom from being overwhelmed with too much responsibility all at once. 

Pacing is key with TPE. A “total” exchange of power will not happen overnight, and anyone attempting to say otherwise is unlikely to be a responsible and fulfilling TPE partner. And finally, always remember the key components of D/s: safe, sane, and consensual interaction.

Continue the conversation on our Discord. 

-Kaleb